ESL, TESOL, teaching English as a second language

Do the words “Cambridge CELTA” mean anything to you?

If they do chances are you have had, or are currently undergoing therapy.

For the uninitiated allow me to enlighten.

The English language is in demand world wide and one of the best ways to equip your self for the industry is to undertake the Cambridge CELTA course.

Now you can do this course in one month fulltime or opt for the three month, part time course. Which ever way you go – it’s a journey that would work well as a reality television show.

Lambs to the slaughter

I enrolled last year through in an Australian Uni and after an application and interview process a kin to a security screening for ASIO, CIA or MI5, joined 11 candidates for a gruelling 12 weeks of lesson plans, assignments and tutorials.

It all sounds rather innocent. It’s not.

Baptism by fire

Every week you have to prepare a lesson plan that is so micro managed it takes hours and hours and hours to do. Then you have to get up in front of 12 international students (who have studied English grammar and know it much better than any native English speaker) and give a lesson on some unheard of grammar point for 40 to 60 minutes. This is done while the trainer (a language freak with a penchant for sadism) watches your every move and utterance marking you on 85 criteria while your peers look on.

Then there are the assignments. I can never understand what assignment questions are about and consequently became the “Resubmit Queen” having to redo all but one of the four assignments. You have to get at least 95 per cent of the assignment correct to get a pass to avoid a resubmit.

Collateral damage

Every week before I taught I would have anxiety attacks, wanting to vomit and run away all at the same time. Others reacted in different ways. Some did vomit, some cried and one just wrote a nasty letter to the trainer and dropped out quickly followed by another casualty who just couldn’t understand a word the trainers were saying – all double Dutch to him.

I was working fulltime while I was doing the course and found myself surviving on three to four hours sleep. I grappled with assignments and lesson plans, looking up books, dictionaries, Googling as I tried to figure out all the English grammar and then how to teach without saying much. The idea is to “lead the students to the language” not talk.

No time to panic

Many times I wanted to cry but I just couldn’t afford the luxury of such self indulgence nor could I afford to self medicate with alcohol. The mind was already foggy and I needed very available brain cell on deck to reach the finishing line.

Not only was I working fulltime and having to make up hours missed accumulated by leaving early for the course but the three months was punctuated with deaths and funerals followed by the need for sudden major dental work that left my face swollen and bruised before I taught. Then just when I could see the light at the end of the tunnel I smashed my hand up at work and lost the use of my right hand. Wounded and exhausted I limped on with a steely focus.

Group bonding

The surviving 10 in the group hung together, bonding as we navigated and lurched from week to week. We consoled each other after the barrage of criticism in feedback (time when trainer cuts loose about your lesson in front of your peers)

Finally the journey came to an end. It was hard, it was cruel, but it was over.

We drank, we laughed and then we drank some more. We were bordering on delirium.

Welcome to the world of English language teaching – you’ve gotta love it!

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